I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Once again, I was being told I didn’t do it right! Dahh…when would it ever be good enough? I wanted to cry.
I grew up as the oldest of three, and was raised by parents that were highly competent, skilled, and prudent.
While it may not have been their intention, I often felt inadequate.
I could not be as good as they were, as competent, efficient, thoughtful, organized, and the list goes on.
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
My college counseling classes, that prepared me for helping others, were a key step in my journey toward learning more about myself. I discovered that, not only had I been comparing myself to the adults in my life, which no kid can live up to, but also that my love language, my primary way to receive love, is actually words of affirmation.
Constructive, well-intended, criticism, mixed with a wonderfully sarcastic get-through-this-life sense of humor, was cutting. It had lasting effects of feeling like nothing I did was ever good enough and apparently, it was supposed to be funny as well.
For me, it was not.
It hurt.
“To strive to be perfect and live in shame, is to miss out on knowing the TRUE. GOOD. BEAUTIFUL. person that God created you to be.”
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Perhaps you have felt this way.
Like you are not good enough as a…
- Daughter/son
- Sister/ brother
- Wife/husband
- Student/employee
- Helper/caregiver
- mom/dad
- parent/friend
And the list goes on…
When I began to work with my clients around their negative core messages, a process critical to recovering from life’s traumas, I found that the message they most often identified with was…
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
I knew that this was most likely the case but to hear it said by one person after another simply rocked me to my core.
Two things struck me:
- I was not alone in feeling this way. So it must be a universal, human struggle.
- I no longer felt this way. It can be overcome.
Why? How?
I began to reflect back over my life. What made the difference? What helped me pull out of these feelings of inadequacy?
I know that in the beginning, I leaned into that hurt. Most of us do.
We become self-protective, and then we lash out, or turn in on ourselves.
Hurt people, hurt people.
“Come to know that He is the “enough” we seek, and let Him stand in that space for you.”
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Especially once I began to go on mission trips which got me out of my comfort zone – praising, praying, serving, loving and being loved. My relationship with God grew. I began to spend time with faith-filled people who affirmed my worth apart from what I did or did not do. All of this began to chip away at the wall I had built around myself. I began to believe that…
MAYBE I AM GOOD
This can happen for you too!
Here’s how…
FIVE STEPS TO OVERCOME FEELING NOT GOOD ENOUGH
1. Identify the hurtful message
- What are the primary thoughts you have throughout your day?
- Keep a notebook and jot them down for a week.
- See if there is a theme.
- If this gets too difficult on your own, you may want to seek professional help.
2. Tell the Story
- Once you have identified a hurtful, negative message that you think frequently.
- Close your eyes, and let an image come to mind.
- What do you see?
- Write about it. What is the story or stories behind that image?
3. Surrender the Hurt & Lies
- Take your writing and the story that helped form the hurtful thought, and identify the lies that this thought contains.
- Write the truths, the whole truth behind the lie. (e.g. Lie – My parents are perfect and I am not. I am not good enough. Truth – They are human too. We all struggle. We are all trying our best and are good.; Lie – I am not good at parenting. Truth – Parenting is hard. I am a loving parent. I put my all into it.)
- Dispose of the lie sheet. Maybe you want to burn, or shred it. Post the truths where you can see them daily. Read it out loud.
4. Seek & Speak Truth
- Lean into what you have discovered about yourself.
- This can be a re-dedication each day to silencing the shaming voice, and speaking truth into those spaces.
- Post affirmations. (e.g. I am good. My best is enough.)
- Read scripture about God’s love. Come to know that He is the “enough” we seek, and let Him stand in that space for you.
5. Surround Yourself with People Who Do the Same
- Perhaps you have heard it said that, “ you become like those you spend the most time around.”
- Who do you want to be like? Jesus? Then, spend frequent time with Him.
- Find friends and family members who speak truth, and do so in a kind and compassionate way.
- If there are those in your life that are still hurting from their hurt and it is not possible to distance yourself from them (e.g. parents, spouse, children, etc.) be sure you are prioritizing time for yourself to: decompress, release, rest, be with the Lord, affirm yourself, journal, and pray.
I AM GOOD & GOD IS ENOUGH
No human being can be perfect. To strive to be and live in shame, is to miss out on knowing the TRUE. GOOD. BEAUTIFUL. person that God created you to be. Only in Him can you be made perfect.
So to the feeling that
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH,
I say…
YOU ARE GOOD (and so am I) & GOD IS ENOUGH!!
If you are interested in learning more on this subject. Here are some related websites, helpful tools, and resources:
“Look What You’ve Done” by Tasha Layton (Song)
“You are Special” by Max Lucado
This blog post, and any content contained here is not meant to be psychotherapy or in place of professional mental health care. If you or a loved one are in need of counseling please click on the psychotherapy referrals link above to search for a professional in your area.